Guest Writer: Avery Comeau, 4th year Trent Social Work Student
I want to just give a preliminary trigger warning on this story, there will be purging methods described and other health issues from disordered eating.
My relationship with food, body image, self-esteem and disordered eating has been tumultuous for as long as I can remember. It goes back to when I was five years old and I began keenly aware of and mapping out nights we would have pasta, because like clockwork my mom would be throwing up in the bathroom fifteen minutes after. She had a sensitive tummy she would tell me when I asked if she was okay, worried about her. Even as a young child I knew something was going unsaid but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I continued listening, worrying, and mapping things out over the years, but the reason kept the same, sensitive tummy. I didn’t know exactly what to say or what to do, so I just kept making her as comfy as possible with ginger ale to help her tummy.
Looking back, it should have been so much clearer to me, but it was not until I began dealing with my own issues that I started to piece things together. As I got older, the feelings of not feeling manly enough, not fit enough, or not what I felt a man should be began manifesting and proliferating. It was so off-putting, because while I felt awesome in my abilities in both school and sports, I felt I never looked the part. I would look in the mirror or catch my reflection and never like what would look back at me. Without even thinking about it, I naturally found myself eating later and later in the day. What at first was a full lunch bag turned into where I wouldn’t bring lunch to school and would instead eat once I got home. I just wouldn’t get hungry as often and the hunger pangs became background noise. This persisted pretty well all through high school, coinciding with the time I was diagnosed with type one diabetes.
I didn’t really pay attention to the weight loss, I figured it was because I was not eating until 3 or 4 pm each day but it became severe. By the time I was informed I was diabetic I had dropped all the way down to 76 pounds. For reference, my Nana, who at the time was battling breast cancer, weighed 82 pounds and was much shorter than I. The problem that I once had of being too big or having ‘love handles’, was now the opposite; I had lost more than half of my weight and was much too tiny for my frame. As I got my diabetes and blood sugar under control, I naturally started regaining weight, quite rapidly. I became petrified and so scared that this ‘gift’ I was given in the weight loss was being squandered. Though I disliked what I was seeing in the mirror, I was more afraid of seeing the previous me looking back, the one before the weight loss.
It was at this time that I learned the mechanics behind hyperglycemia and how one not only doesn’t absorb calories while their blood sugar is high, but they also burn fat at an incredibly accelerated rate. Quoting Mary Jeanne who has also struggled with an eating disorder and type one diabetes, “When someone with diabetes doesn’t have adequate insulin, sugar accumulates in the blood instead of being used by cells. The body manufactures ketones (toxic chemicals that are produced when sugar is inaccessible for energy). Ketones build up in the blood and the blood becomes toxic and acidic. The body tries to rid itself of the toxins through excessive urination and vomiting, which leads to extreme dehydration and rapid weight loss as the body sheds fluids along with fat and broken-down tissue.” It felt like a superpower (and I still have to fight myself from accepting that line of thinking occasionally). You mean to tell me that I can eat whatever I want, and my body just pees it out? Sign me up.
What at first was hidden and secret quickly because hubris and excitement. I didn’t feel the need to hide it from my diabetic professionals; I knew the risks and what they would say to try and scare me, but I truly believed that had anybody been given this gift, they would definitely abuse it. I was certain that this ability would unluck all the secrets to dealing with my body image issues but what I didn’t know was that this ‘superpower’ of mine would not fix things nearly as much as I thought. Between the plethora of negative symptoms and regular hospital visits, tapping into this cycle of eating and purging was doing nothing in regard to my self-image or self-esteem. I still disliked looking in the mirror. I still fixated on attaining what I thought was a different physique, and I still was overcome by perfectionism. It gradually started becoming clearer (maybe should have happened a few hospital visits sooner, but I never claimed to not be stubborn) that I needed to work on myself and the relationship I have with myself. Not only was my current regiment harming myself… the worst part (to that part of my disordered eating brain) was that it wasn’t even working. I thought I could live with any health repercussions as long as it made me feel better body image and self-esteem wise, but I still couldn’t face the mirror any braver.
It began with opening up to one person, which became a second, which became a third. Next thing I knew this wasn’t a secret anymore and I didn’t feel nearly as much shame or as though I was alone. I was fortunate and lucky enough to find those who I am comfortable with and can trust. It wasn’t easy, wasn’t quick, and at times when I would dip into the professional world of eating disorder treatment it was not as supportive or inclusive as it should be…but please, do not discount the system as a whole; there are practitioners who consider intersectionality and the intricacies of disordered eating and there are many wonderful people wanting nothing more than to help. There are many changes that need to be made within the research and treatment of disordered eating but do not let the system dissuade you from the help you deserve and are entitled to. My journey with disordered eating will be a lifelong work in progress, but I can undoubtably say that I have come a long way and will continue to make great strides. I wish you all the best on your own unique journey’s.
Some resources:
You can go to https://www.trentu.ca/wellness/counselling/mental-health-resources for some specific information and links to some help
Book an appointment with a campus counsellor by calling 905-435-5100 or emailing them at durhamcounselling@trentu.ca
Good2Talk is a free, confidential and anonymous 24/7 post-secondary student helpline: 1-866-925-5454
Big White Wall: Access 24/7 online peer support at bigwhitewall.ca: anonymous, on-line, and accessible mental health and well-being service
ConnexOntario provides access to addiction, mental health and problem gambling services: 1-866-531-2600
Distress Centre Durham crisis support line: 1-800-452-0688; Text 741741 for online & text crisis services
Talk4Healing 24/7 Support for Indigenous women: 1-855-554-4325
Durham Mental Health Crisis Line: 1-800-742-1890
A confidential discussion group for Trent students who may be questioning their sexuality or gender or who are in the process of coming out
outoncampus@trentu.ca
@trentoutoncampus on Instagram
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